One Month

Dearest Quinn-

     We love you. I'm not sure that I can ever say that enough. Your Dad and I love you SO much. I can hardly believe it has been a whole month since we got to meet you face to face on this earth. To say that we miss you would be an understatement. Words can not express how much we ache to have you in our arms and to kiss you and hold you and rock you and just love you. There is a huge hole in our hearts and in our lives where our first baby boy belongs. I know this hole will never go away, nor should it. It's yours. It's your special and perfect place in our hearts and no one else will ever be able to fill it. Everything was just better with you here, nothing is the same without you.  I just don't think you can ever prepare for how much it hurts. How everything reminds us of you. How the tears just never seem to dry up. Your Dad and I are just trying to figure out and deal with our new "normal".
     We are so proud of you. You beat so many odds. We know you had to fight to stay with us those 9 months. That you had to fight with all your might to get through labor. And we know that you stayed on this earth with us for a whole hour because of the love you have for us. We got to look right in to your beautiful eyes, eyes we had been dreaming of for months. Hear your perfectly sweet cry. Hold you close and introduce you to so many of the people that love you.
     We really did get to hold an Angel in our arms. That is such an amazing thing to be able to say.  We are so grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that we get to hold you again someday. Most days it just doesn't feel like it will be soon enough. But I know you are close. That you will always be our little Angel to watch over us.
     There is not a day, hour or minute that you are not in our hearts or on our minds. Happy one month Angel Birthday, baby boy. Your Mommy and Daddy love and miss you so much.

Quinn's Birthday

Many of you already know that we were lucky enough to welcome Quinn Eric Burton in to this world Wednesday, October 16th at 4:41 pm.

We got to keep our little Angel on this earth with us for nearly an hour. He was so strong and fought so hard to spend some time with us but was always so at peace and never struggled. We will be eternally grateful. He was surrounded by family and loved for every second of it, and know he will continue to be long after.

We know that our sweet baby boy touched so many hearts. If you would like to come and celebrate Quinn's life and the miracle of him, we will be having an open memorial service this Saturday, October 19th at 11:00 am. It will be held in the chapel at Wasatch Lawn Mortuary, 3401 South Highland Drive, SLC 84106. In lieu of flowers, you can donate to the "Nicole Burton Donation" at any Zion's Bank. This will be used for medical bills/expenses and any extra we would love to donate to the Trisomy 18 foundation so that we can give a little bit of help to other families.

"Some people can say that they have never seen an Angel, I got to hold one in my arm's"

The date is set!!!

Eric and I will be checking in to the hospital tonight to get things going with Quinn. This is one of the hardest decisions that we have had to make so far but we feel it is the right one and for lots of right reasons. We don't want him to go past his due date and add any more risks. Eric also has Fall Break this Thursday and Friday, what a tender blessing.

We are so grateful for all the love, support, thoughts and prayers that have come our way over these last few months. I'd like to ask if we can have some more for just a few more days, maybe even weeks. We are praying with all our hearts that we get to take our sweet baby boy home but know that it is in the Lord's hands.

We have been so blessed to have Quinn in our lives and I am so excited to meet our little piece of Heaven.

This is my nephew, Micheal, football helmet. We are so grateful that Quinn has been able to touch so many people and to know how loved he is by so many. A Mommy and Daddy couldn't ask for anything more or be more proud.

Quinn's Best Friend :)

I'd like to introduce you to my BEAUTIFUL new niece... McKenzie Nicole Morrell!!! :)

I told you that Quinn was #19 grandbaby for the Burton's and that #20 was close behind! Well, McKenzie decided that she was going to be #19 instead! :) She was born EARLY Friday morning, October 4th. Both Mommy (Rachel) and her are doing great!

Sweet Rachel and her husband Jason have been so kind to us during this time. I've been so worried that it would be hard to see McKenzie. But very early on, Eric and I had a very strong feeling that McKenzie will actually be such a blessing and comfort to us. We will get to see her grow over the years and see what our sweet Quinn would be doing. Beginning to crawl, then walk, starting Kindergarten and the list goes on and on. I'd be lying if I said that I think that it will always be easy because I know at times it may not be. But we are sincerely so grateful that we get to have her in our lives.

Seeing McKenzie made me so incredibly happy. I feel that she knows Quinn the very best, that they have been best little buddies this whole time. The whole time I held her, cute little Quinn was just kicking away, letting her know he was still with her :) What a comfort it was to me.

We are SO happy for Rachel and Jason and their cute family. McKenzie is #4 and is SO loved by her siblings! It's really cute to see. Congratulations Morrell's!!!

Fall is Eric and my favorite time of year with October being our favorite month. Quinn's birthday will only add to that. We know we are so blessed to still have him and that we have been able to add SO many things to his list. One of the biggest accomplishments was carving a pumpkin. I've wanted to do that for a very long time now and I'm so excited we were able to! We are now at 47 FULL PAGES for his list!!! He's not spoiled, just loved :)

We are still so amazed for all the support we have had from family and friends. We've had some fun surprises dropped off on our front porch, received so many kind notes and especially have felt your prayers for us in this time. Thank you all again.

35 Week Ultrasound Update!!!

That's right, 35 WEEKS as of last Friday!! I always thought pregnancy would go by slower but I feel like it has gone so fast. Every day I get to have my precious angel Quinn is a blessing. Because of T18, we get to have lots of appointments with him :). The ultrasound ones are my FAVORITE. I look forward to them every 3-4 weeks because this is who I get to see...

I can hardly wait to kiss those lips. And forehead. And cheeks. Pretty much every single inch of him. I love him. More than words can ever describe. He is mine. Forever. He is beautiful. And he is perfect, just how Heavenly Father needed him to be.

We get A LOT of information at these appointments so here are just a few updates...
-Quinn is 4 pounds and 7 ounces!! His Daddy and I are so proud of him for being so strong!!
- He is measuring pretty well except his cute tummy, it's at about 30 weeks (no worries though, that is very common with T18. It doesn't mean anything worse:) )
- His legs measured at 35 cm which means about 13.75 inches!!! He is just a long little bean pole!!
- Some good news on my end... They watch mommies amniotic fluid really closely because with these sweet babies, you can either have a really high amount (which causes preterm labor) or you can lose all of it (putting stress on the baby). I've always been on the higher end of normal but still ok. At this appointment, we found out I am just in "normal" range!

He is growing and happy, we couldn't have asked for anything better :)

Over these last few months, we've learned that Eric and I have been so blessed with the doctors we have come in contact with. Lots of families have some really terrible experiences. I just wanted to take a minute today to express my gratitude to them.

Rose is our ultrasound tech. I love her. I only know her from our monthly visits and she means so much to our sweet family. She was there at the 20 week ultrasound. We were chatting while she was taking pictures. I had asked if she liked her job, which she of course said she did but that there were some hard times. It was about 15 minutes later, with the pictures she had taken, she turned to us with tears in her eyes telling us this was one of the reasons her job was tough. She very sensitively started pointing out his cute clenched fists, his rocker bottom foot, scoliosis, cysts and hole in his heart. I can not even begin to imagine how much her heart was hurting having to tell these first time parents such devastating news. She handled it wonderfully and perfectly though. The fact that even her eyes welled up with tears has always meant so much to me because I know she cares. She has from the very beginning. She has been with us through this whole journey. She answers our questions, she is honest but keeps us smiling. She takes TONS of pictures and gives us a CD of them at each appointment. She has always done this, never asking if we wanted it, just knowing how much it would mean to our breaking hearts. Eric and I will always count her as another Angel that was sent to us.

The perinatologists (they are specialists for high risk pregnancies) that we have been able to work with have been great. Dr Gesteland was the one that told us at our 20 week appointment and stayed late to help us get an amniocentesis (it was Labor Day weekend and they wanted to make sure they got it off as soon as possible so we would be able to get our results back sooner). She was always so kind and so sensitive. She had a great way of explaining things and answering our questions. Again, we were amazed with how perfect she was for us at that time.

Other times we have seen Dr Ball. He is known nationwide for what he does and is outstanding. We first saw him at our 27 week appointment. The first time we met was a little overwhelming because he brought up a lot of things that hadn't been discussed before, like what we do after birth (feeding, respiratory, etc..) We were SO grateful that he brought those to our attention so we could prepare for that. He even called down to the NICU to set us up with a doctor to get questions answered and suggested taking a tour of the labor and delivery floor so I wouldn't be so nervous. He also gave us his number so if we had any questions or concerns we could get a hold of him right away. I know doctors are SUPER busy, these "out of the way" gestures have been so kind to us.

Touring the labor and delivery floor was a great idea, by the way. Carolyn from Angel Watch had already set us up to do that and I am so thankful we did. The cute lead nurse (I wish I could remember her name) had been told about our situation ahead of time and was so sweet to us. She showed us the room and how it normally goes, went over some questions we had, etc. She talked to us about our precious Quinn and even her eyes welled up with tears. It was able to put me at ease knowing I will be in hands of sweet nurses who truly care.

The NICU doctor we got to speak to was great also. He name is Dr Lui. I loved her more for her honesty. She told us that we could "fight" and that that is her job. But she explained it's a quality of life issue after that. It meant a lot that a health care professional that gets paid to "fight" was so tender about Quinn and our thoughts. It was kind of her to go over all the different scenarios that could happen and the different choices we would be given. Again, just nice to know and try to plan or expect.

And lastly, my sweet OB, Dr Yamishiro. With this experience, I have come to believe that there are no such thing as coincidences. I was referred to Dr Yamishiro almost 5 years ago by a very dear friend of mine. I wasn't married yet or even thinking of kids at that point. But he was meant to be our doctor for Quinn. I know that with all my heart. He is so caring and LISTENS to us. He lets me ask all the questions I want and he is so understanding. He has always given us honest answers, been realistic but been hopeful for us at the same time. I think that is an incredible quality, especially for a doctor.

I'm sure I'll have much more to say about them after Quinn's arrival but we are so grateful that these special people have been in our lives during these hard months. We are so blessed.

Quinn's Playlist

If you know Eric or me, you know that we LOVE music. And even that is an understatement. We both learned from a very young age that music can touch you in ways that speaking can not. From the time we started dating, and even now, one of our favorite things to do is drive and listen to music in the car. Most the time we sing at the top of our lungs, sometimes we just listen and let the tears fall.

One of the things Eric thought of for Quinn was to make him a "playlist". They are songs that we love and want Quinn to hear along with some songs that help Eric and I make it through the day. I thought I would share a few today.

This song is perfect for our little family. It's why we call Quinn our "little piece of Heaven"...

The next one was on the CD that was in Eric's car when we left our 20 week ultrasound appointment and had first heard the news about Quinn...

I shared my song that helps me get through the days a few posts back, this one is Eric's. I love these lyrics...

This last song means a lot to me because it reminds my Mom and Dad of Quinn. I think that's one other thing that people sometimes forget. Quinn's relatives are just as heartbroken as Eric and I are. For my parents, Quinn is their first grandbaby. I know it hasn't been easy for them. My Mom has picked me up in my broken pieces and put me back together again more times then I can count. My Dad loves talking and sharing things with Quinn. They have been amazing and I know I wouldn't have been able to make it through with out them. My Twin has had to watch me fall apart and just hugs me and loves me. Eric's family is incredible. I am so lucky to have married in to such a great family. Eric is the youngest of 6 so we have 18 nieces and nephews, Quinn will make #19 with #20 close behind. :) The huge blessing I have been able to see is that each and everyone one of them (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Grandparents) love Quinn just as much as we do. No words can describe how happy and lucky that makes Eric, Quinn and me.

Quinn's first photo session :)

Earlier this month, Eric and I had the amazing opportunity to take maternity pictures with Quinn. Something that made it even more special is our photographer, Heidi. She was so fun, so kind, so caring and she went through a loss of her own daughter about 7 years ago from a condition called "Potter's Syndrome." I've said so many times how many incredible people we have gotten to meet these last few months with Quinn's journey and Heidi is one of them.

Heidi is a volunteer photographer for a organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep".

I had never heard of this group till we met with Angel Watch. Their entire mission is to 
"introduce remembrance photography to parents suffering the loss of a baby with a free gift of professional portraiture."  These volunteers dedicate their time to families like ours. They do maternity sessions along with pictures of sweet babies after they are born, whether sleeping or living. It is one of the most beautiful and kind things I could ever have hoped for. Knowing that photographs are some of the only material remembrances I will have for my sweet Quinn, it means the world to me. They are something I can treasure and can have with me in this life until I get to hold him again in the next. 

The organization is through out the US but Heidi informed me that just this past month, they have seen 20 families along the Wasatch Front alone. They only have a small number of photographers in Utah that take the majority of the calls so these people are very busy. There is really great need for photographers in Utah. The more they have available, the less amount of days these sweet people are on call. Heidi is a full time Mom of 3 on this earth, works as a nurse and is planning on going back to school to become a nurse practitioner. But she does NILMDTS because she knows what a great blessing and comfort is was to her. To any of my photographer friends that are interested in becoming one, please contact me. I would love to get you in touch with Heidi to answer any questions. The website also has a lot of information as well. It is an incredible program, Eric and I will always be eternally grateful for it. 

www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org

We decided to do our photo session at the Bonneville Glen. Some of you may have heard of it because Eric and I have a fun history there :) It was one of our first dates (the live nativity that the Bonneville Stake puts on every year), where Eric proposed to me and where we were suppose to have our wedding reception (if you don't know that story, I'll fill ya in later:) ). The Glen has been very dear to our hearts and we couldn't think of a better place to have Quinn's first photos taken!

And my favorite...

Of course we had to have the Utes involved!

Our little piece of Heaven...

There are lots of variables with Quinn right now. His time to leave may be before labor. It may be during. It could be a few precious minutes afterward. It could be an hour or two later. And although all of these are very possible, we are of course hoping for the best which is where we would get to keep him here on earth for a few days. That means lots of NICU, deciding about respiratory action, feeding (feeding tubes or IV's) and possible baby hospice if we are lucky enough to take him home for a short time. We know that these are hopes and dreams for us but that is what we have right now.

We wanted to take a moment to thank our sweet friends, Matt and Kim Misner. Matt and Eric went to school together, played on sports teams together, sat by each other at the U of U football games for years and even play on basketball teams together still. Kim is his dear wife that I have been able to get to know and Eric has always told me that he doesn't know of a more "perfect for each other" couple. They have been so kind to us from the beginning and asked us these hopes and dreams that we have for Quinn right now. Because of this, the Misner's decided to set up a donation fund for our little family through Zions Bank.  There are no words to express the gratitude Eric and I have for them and how incredibly kind this gesture is. Most of the donations have been anonymous so Eric and I wanted to thank everyone that has donated so far. We are so grateful to have a little bit of stressed removed because of what this fund is doing. 

I've meant it every time I have written it but I will say it again. Eric and I are so blessed to have Quinn in our lives. We will never be the same. We love this little boy more than we ever imagined possible and are so happy for the time we get to have with him. We cherish the amazing people we have been able to come in contact with during this journey and we have been overwhelmed by the love and support we have received from our family and friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you.