Quinn's first photo session :)

Earlier this month, Eric and I had the amazing opportunity to take maternity pictures with Quinn. Something that made it even more special is our photographer, Heidi. She was so fun, so kind, so caring and she went through a loss of her own daughter about 7 years ago from a condition called "Potter's Syndrome." I've said so many times how many incredible people we have gotten to meet these last few months with Quinn's journey and Heidi is one of them.

Heidi is a volunteer photographer for a organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep".

I had never heard of this group till we met with Angel Watch. Their entire mission is to 
"introduce remembrance photography to parents suffering the loss of a baby with a free gift of professional portraiture."  These volunteers dedicate their time to families like ours. They do maternity sessions along with pictures of sweet babies after they are born, whether sleeping or living. It is one of the most beautiful and kind things I could ever have hoped for. Knowing that photographs are some of the only material remembrances I will have for my sweet Quinn, it means the world to me. They are something I can treasure and can have with me in this life until I get to hold him again in the next. 

The organization is through out the US but Heidi informed me that just this past month, they have seen 20 families along the Wasatch Front alone. They only have a small number of photographers in Utah that take the majority of the calls so these people are very busy. There is really great need for photographers in Utah. The more they have available, the less amount of days these sweet people are on call. Heidi is a full time Mom of 3 on this earth, works as a nurse and is planning on going back to school to become a nurse practitioner. But she does NILMDTS because she knows what a great blessing and comfort is was to her. To any of my photographer friends that are interested in becoming one, please contact me. I would love to get you in touch with Heidi to answer any questions. The website also has a lot of information as well. It is an incredible program, Eric and I will always be eternally grateful for it. 

www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org

We decided to do our photo session at the Bonneville Glen. Some of you may have heard of it because Eric and I have a fun history there :) It was one of our first dates (the live nativity that the Bonneville Stake puts on every year), where Eric proposed to me and where we were suppose to have our wedding reception (if you don't know that story, I'll fill ya in later:) ). The Glen has been very dear to our hearts and we couldn't think of a better place to have Quinn's first photos taken!

And my favorite...

Of course we had to have the Utes involved!

Our little piece of Heaven...

There are lots of variables with Quinn right now. His time to leave may be before labor. It may be during. It could be a few precious minutes afterward. It could be an hour or two later. And although all of these are very possible, we are of course hoping for the best which is where we would get to keep him here on earth for a few days. That means lots of NICU, deciding about respiratory action, feeding (feeding tubes or IV's) and possible baby hospice if we are lucky enough to take him home for a short time. We know that these are hopes and dreams for us but that is what we have right now.

We wanted to take a moment to thank our sweet friends, Matt and Kim Misner. Matt and Eric went to school together, played on sports teams together, sat by each other at the U of U football games for years and even play on basketball teams together still. Kim is his dear wife that I have been able to get to know and Eric has always told me that he doesn't know of a more "perfect for each other" couple. They have been so kind to us from the beginning and asked us these hopes and dreams that we have for Quinn right now. Because of this, the Misner's decided to set up a donation fund for our little family through Zions Bank.  There are no words to express the gratitude Eric and I have for them and how incredibly kind this gesture is. Most of the donations have been anonymous so Eric and I wanted to thank everyone that has donated so far. We are so grateful to have a little bit of stressed removed because of what this fund is doing. 

I've meant it every time I have written it but I will say it again. Eric and I are so blessed to have Quinn in our lives. We will never be the same. We love this little boy more than we ever imagined possible and are so happy for the time we get to have with him. We cherish the amazing people we have been able to come in contact with during this journey and we have been overwhelmed by the love and support we have received from our family and friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Support for families with Angel Babies

So... I forgot to tell what Eric got me for my birthday!! A CAR SEAT!!!!

The model is name is "Quinn". :) We HAD to have it. I fully understand that my Quinn will probably not have a chance to use it. But when I opened the box, I just cried. Not sad tears though. I was so happy. Because for one moment in the past 11 weeks, I felt "normal". I got to feel like a "normal" mom and be so excited for SOMETHING. There are no baby showers or other things for me to ever get to feel this way. It was such a nice and different feeling than what I normally deal with.

Every person is different. Every situation is different. But support is something that all mom's in this situation need. Whether it's T18, T13, Potter's Syndrome, miscarriage at ANY point, infertility, and the list goes on and on.

Eric and I are truly blessed. I hope that I say that enough. We have an incredible support system. Both of our families are amazing, our friends have been there and even the neighborhood has been kind. Some people surprise you, both good and bad. There are some people that you thought would be there for you and aren't but then there are plenty that surprise you and come out of the wood work. And guess what? IT'S OK. No matter what category you fall in to. Because lets be honest, no one really knows what to say or do. I'm not sure I would have known either before just getting to be in the situation myself.

But please....

Just be kind. Be sincere. Let me shed a tear without freaking out. Be my friend. And if it really makes you that uncomfortable, then go ahead and "take a leave of absence" for a while. It's ok, I do it too right now! :) It can't and shouldn't be our only topic of discussion. I promise we are still normal people. I still go to work, we see movies, we eat, we swim, we go on vacation. You can talk to me about "normal" things. Most Mom's just want their sweet baby to be acknowledged. When you don't acknowledge them it seems to us that you don't believe they exist when to us, they are very real.  It's not because we want pity. We just want our sweet babies to be remembered. They make such an impression on our lives and we will never be the same. To think that everyone else can forget them so quickly is a really hard concept for us to understand. Again, Eric and I really haven't had to deal with too much of these things because we are so blessed with the support we have. I have just been able to meet and talk with lots of families that are or have gone through something like this and some of these words really needed to be shared.

You may hear me call Quinn our "Angel Baby" and the reason why is because There is an AMAZING program in Utah that is dedicated to helping families. It's called "Angel Watch" through IHC that help families through this time. If you, or anyone you know has lost a baby or has been given a fatal diagnoses, there is support. There is help. They have a nurse and a bereavement counselor meet with you at your home, They get to know you, what your hopes and dreams are/were. They talk to you about planning, give you wonderful ideas and get you in contact with other families like yours. But best of all, they just listen. They are only there to love and help people through this time in their lives. Eric and I meet with ours (Carolyn and Kay) about every 4-5 weeks. Words can not express how much I love these ladies. PLEASE pass this information along to anyone that may need it.

http://intermountainhealthcare.org/services/womennewborn/pregnancy/highrisk/Pages/AngelWatch.aspx

One of the best parts of this program is knowing that you are not alone. There are other families that have gone or are going through the feelings and emotions that you are dealing with. It has been such a comfort to us in this time of need. Below is a song that was written by a mom that went through an experience like Eric and mine. The man singing in it is actually her husband. :) I love this song because it describes perfectly how Eric and I feel. A lot of people ask how we have been able to "deal" with this. To be honest, there is no other option for us. We love Quinn. We found Angel Watch. We have a great support system. We have  a strong testimony and religious belief and we know that Quinn was suppose to come to us this way. Hopefully the song can share a little more about our feelings :)

My Birthday with Quinn

I promise that I will get to the birthday story, but first I need to write a little bit about my husband, Eric. It will make the whole thing come together much better :) Some of you know Eric better than you know me. Some of you only know him through me. And some of you don't really know him at all. But Eric is the best man that I know.

With T18 babies, or any Angel Baby actually, I'm not sure that it registers that the daddy's hurt just as much as us momma's. It's true that I am Quinn's Mommy and that there is a very special bond there. I feel him kick and wiggle, I have him with me 24/7, he is my baby boy. But Eric is his Daddy. Eric had just as many dreams for Quinn as I did, if not more. Quinn was going to be his first son, his camping buddy, his team mate, his best friend. He was going to take him to U of U football games, teach him sports and coach his little league teams. He was going to laugh and play with him everyday. He was going to teach him what it means to be a gentleman, a good friend, a priesthood holder, a good husband and a great dad. And now Eric has had to do what all these daddy's have had to, and let those things go for now.

Eric has been my rock and support since that life changing day in May. He holds me close and just lets me cry. He calms me and helps me recollect my thoughts as we review what doctors have said. He has made it to every single appointment we have had for Quinn and is able to keep his head/thoughts together so he remembers all the questions we've been waiting to ask. He keeps his head high, smiles and squeezes my hand when random people at the store or movies ask about when we are due, what Quinn's name is, how the pregnancy has been, etc. He talks to Quinn, he jokes with him, he tells him stories about his childhood or his mission or funny things about us. He sings to him and reads to him. He still makes me smile and laugh every single day (no joke, it's amazing!).

And through it all, he has never wavered. He has never been mad at the situation. He has never complained. He has never thought "why us".  It's true that we grieve very differently but that's ok, honestly. Because Eric has shown more love to Quinn then I ever thought possible.

Eric's name means "honorable ruler". Perfect words to describe the kind of man he has turned out to be. He is the best husband and friend I could have dreamed of. He is also the best example and best father for our baby boy, and I sincerely believe that Quinn knows that. :)

So... yesterday was my 27th birthday! Let me start by saying that I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY. I know, it's kind of odd. I think the reason I love it so much is that with it  being in August, it's pretty much the only "holiday" around, so it's another fun excuse to get family/friends together. When we first found out I was pregnant with Quinn, I couldn't wait till my birthday this year! It would mean that I'd hit my third trimester mark and in my head would be just putting the "finishing touches" on a nursery and baby shopping, hospital bag prepping, etc. It was going to be a really exciting mark in my first pregnancy. Well, things don't always go as planned. :) So with Quinn's diagnoses, I've really just avoided the thought of my birthday. When I finally had to face that it was coming up, I was really dreading it.

Eric knew this. He knew how much I had been looking forward to it and how now it was just one more memory to yank at my heart. I had work off for my birthday and the night before, I went to bed just hoping I would sleep through most of the day so I wouldn't have to face it. But (this is why I get to dibbs that Eric is the best husband ever, sorry ladies!)...HE SURPRISED ME AND GOT THE DAY OFF TOO!!! I woke up that morning in a panic thinking that Eric had slept through the alarm, only to find out that he was going to spend the whole day with me!!! I know this may sound silly to some of you, but it honestly meant the world to me. It was just so thoughtful and meaningful to me on this birthday.

Our day went something like this...
We got to cuddle and sleep in. Then we went to Tepenyaki for lunch! I had been craving to go there for a while now :). After that, we went to the Hogle Zoo!! This is something that I've REALLY wanted to do with Quinn. It was always a tradition we had with my Daddy growing up and the fact that Eric could do it with Quinn is absolutely priceless to me. We got to talk to him about the giraffes, seals and elephants, and showed him the swimming polar bear and covered his eyes while the sea lions got it on (yes, you read that right). We saw all the animals and talked to him about each of them. Eric and I shared our stories of going to the Zoo when we were younger and told Quinn how much it has changed. He got to eat his first "Dippin Dots" ice cream (and loved it!! He wiggled with happiness the whole time we ate them!). We then went for a drive up Big Cottonwood Canyon. Eric loves the mountains and I have so many great memories from growing up with a cabin in Solitude Resort. Eric showed Quinn some good campgrounds and fire pits while I pointed out Papas favorite fishing spot. I took him and Eric to our old cabin and told them both how it was the best place to be growing up. I also got to show them both "The Brighton Store" and share how my Mom loved to go with Papa and everyone to get ice cream there.

Eric was so kind and thoughtful for being so attentive to help me not dread my birthday next year. He made sure that it was a happy day, filled with lots of making memories and sharing with him and Quinn so many things that made my childhood so great. It was the perfect day. :)